Lifestyle

Baby Training Tips for parents to be

There’s a vast range of parental experience here at EFTM – from a father of three kids aged 6 to 11, a father to an almost 1 year old, and a father-to-be.  So we chat about kids and babies a bit.

Keen listener Angus has heard these conversations, and wanted to help relieve the burden that is facing any new parents.

Angus has been employed by some of the largest technology companies in the world but started work when the whole marketing department shared just 1 PC.   He can explain everything from what the cloud is, to recommending a washing machine. But behind that he is a family man who with the help of a very understanding and tolerant wife has brought up two children into an age where children don’t go outside to play anymore.

Here then, are the training tips for those awaiting their first child:

  1. Set your alarm every 2 hours overnight to prepare you for the regular interruptions
  2. When running late before you leave the house, complete a Sudoku.  This prepares you for the extra time it will take when baby arrives and test to ensure you have everything.
  3. Fill the car with empty cartons, ensuring no space is left except for the two front seats.  Now practice finding a spot for a picnic basket and esky (Baby stuff takes up a lot of room!)
  4. Soak a towel in Milk. Hang towel on left shoulder and proceed with normal activities.  If towel dries, add water.  (Baby will throw up milk on left shoulder after feeding)
  5. Take one angry cat. Immerse in bath, then dress in a baby jump suit ensuring all buttons are fastened.  (Babies don’t like getting dressed)
  6. After every meal throw your plates against the farthest wall to practice your stain removal skills (Act fast, and have soda water handy)
  7. After following steps 2 and 3 above, visit supermarket to shop.  When ready to leave, abandon your trolly and return the next day to try again. (Babies have uncontrollable tantrums that result in immediate departure)
  8. Ensure rubbish bags are kept in the house for two weeks before taking them out for collection. (How can small things smell so much)
  9. Smear legs and arms with Vegemite then try to remove with one square of toilet paper (You’ll get the drift)
  10. Write down all the important dates for the next two years. (Your brain does not operate as well for some time)
  11. Set alarm for 2am and pickup a 2kg bag of rice and then for the next 2 hours sing gently whiles slowly moving feet and patting bag.  Lay bag down then go back to bed then immediately get back up again and repeat.
  12. Buy IKEA furniture then assemble it blindfolded.  This will prepare you for baby equipment such as pram folding and collapse.
  13. Whist having sex, stop midday and go to step 11, ensuring your partner follows step 9 with step 8 close by.

The good news is, One smile from your baby (at any hour) makes all these tasks seem easy!

Thanks Angus!

1 Comment

1 Comment

  1. Phil Brown

    May 2, 2018 at 6:33 am

    Very funny Angus.
    In all seriousness though, my tip #1 for Geoff and his wife is to purchase a copy of The New Contented Little Baby Book by Gina Ford. Ever the resourceful Yorkshireman that I am, yes that’s my way of saying that I am a tight arse, I have even found you the cheapest place to purchase online https://www.dymocks.com.au/book/new-contented-little-baby-book-by-gina-ford-9781448118021/#.WujNWtNuYWo

    HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!
    If you want to be able to live a semi-normal life without being dictated to by the demands of new human resource that has just joined your family.

    WARNING!
    Definitely not recommended for those earthy mother types and their pussy-whipped partners.

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